Saved 2009 Text Jokes: A Little Laugh for Christmas

1. In a mental Asylum
Lawyer: Dr, how do you know that a person has to be admitted here?
Dr: We fill a bathtub with water, give the patient a spoon, a cup and a bucket and then ask him to empty the bathtub.
Lawyer: Aha, a normal person would of course use the bucket!
Dr: No, he’d pull the drain plug. Do you want a room or ward?

2. Judge: Why did you shoot your wife instead of her lover?
Accused: Your honor, I’m sure you agree with me that it’s a lesser offense to shoot her than to shoot a man every week.

3. Lion: Hey, my friend mouse, I am getting married. What advice can you give me?
Mouse: Just remember, my friend, that I too was a lion before I got married.

4. Apo: Lolo, kung mopanaw na ka, unsa imo ibilin nako, imo shotgun o imo Rolex?
Lolo: Ang akong pusil Dong.
Apo: Na, Rolex lang Lo?
Lolo: Unya’g madakpan nimo imo asawa ug iyang kabit nga nagdulog ug gusto nimo sila pusilon, unsa may imong gamiton, imong Rolex? Moingon lang ka dayon “Hoy, time is up!”

5. Wife: Hon, Ok ra sa imo apple scent sa akong femine wash?
Husband: Ok kaayo. Agwanta man gani kog durian…

6. A guy met an older woman at a night club last night. She was in good shape for one at 48. They drank quite a bit and she asked him if he’d tried a Sport’s Double, which she explained as mother-daughter threesome. He said no. She said tonight is my lucky day. They went to her place and shouted upstairs: “Mom, you’re still awake?”

7. Wife: My husband and I have an Olympic sex.
Friend: Wow, you must have a terrific sex life!
Wife: Not really. It only happens every four years.

8. A cheated wife asked a fortune teller what lies ahead. She was told: “Am so sorry; your husband will meet a violent death.” Wife: “I know but will I be acquitted?”

9. A couple was dinning in a plush restaurant. They husband kept staring at a drunken lady at a corner drinking alone. Wife: “Do you know her?” Husband: “Yes, she’s my ex. I was told she’s been drinking after we split 7 years ago.” Wife: “My God! Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long.”

10. Mr. Smith was rushed to a Mercy Hospital for a cardiac operation.
Nun: Mr. Smith, the operation was a success and in a few days you will be released. May I ask how you will make the payment? Do you have insurance?
Mr. Smith: None
Nun: Do you have cash?
Mr. Smith: None
Nun: Do you have close relatives?
Mr. Smith: A sister, but she is just a spinster poor nun.
Nun: Sir, I would like to correct you. Nuns are not spinsters. We are married to Christ!
Mr. Smith: Wonderful! Send the bill to my brother-in-law!

11. A farmer on a carabao offers to pull a car that was stuck in a mudhole for P200. The driver agreed. Farmer: “You know, yours is the 13th car I rescued today.” Driver: “Wow, so when do you have time to plow your field? At night?” Farmer: “No, no more time because night is the time when I fill those holes with water.”

12. A man robbed a bank and took hostages. He asked the first hostage: “Did you see me rob the bank?” The hostage answered “yes” and was shot pointblank. Then he asked the next hostage: “Did you see me rob a bank?” Second hostage: “No, but my husband did!”

13. Nanay: Anak, buntis ka?
Anak: Oo, Nay.
Nanay: Kinsa ang lapastangan nga nagbuhat niana?
Anak: School project man ni Nay about the miracle of life.
Nanay: Putrages, bisan kinsa pa na siya, ipapriso nako. Sige sultihi kon kinsa.
Anak: Daghan man sila kay group project man ni.

14. The preacher pulled aside a church member who hardly went to church.
Pastor: You need to actively join the army of the Lord
Member: Am already in the army of the Lord, Pastor.
Pastor: How come I only see you at Christmas and Good Friday?
Member (whispering): Pastor, I’m in the secret service.

15. Diary of a Sexy Tourist
Mon – beautiful cruise ship
Tues – met the ship captain
Wed – had dinner with ship captain
Thurs – got an indecent proposal from ship captain
Fri – the captain threatens to sink the ship if denied
Sat – last night, I saved 1, 600 lives! Twice!

16. Stages of Human Development (Men’s Department)
3-8 yrs old - paramihan ng mga sophisticated toys
9-18 - pataasan ng grades
19-25 – padamihan ng girlfriends
26-36 – pagandahan ng asawa
37-45 – palakihan ng income
46-55 – padamihan ng kabit
56-70 – padamihan ng sakit
71 & above – pabonggahan ng libing

17. Japanese and Pinoy in a Corporate HQ
Pinoy: Your new secretary is very pretty
Jap: She’s robot I bought from Japan
Pinoy: That’s amazing she looks and moves like real
Jap: If you squeeze her right breast she takes dictations & if you squeeze the left, she does encoding for you. Take it to your room and test it.
So Pinoy walked with the beautiful doll to his office. Within minutes, Jap heard
Pinoy screaming in pain. Jap rushed to Pinoy’s office and explained: O, I
forgot to tell you that her pussy is flexible pencil sharpener.

18. A guy went to the toilet and sat on the throne and then heard someone coming in the next cubicle. The newly arrived in the next cubicle started talking: “Pare, kamusta ka na?” First guy hesitantly answered, “Ah, Ok lang.” The second guy asked again: “Anong ginagawa mo dyan ngayon? First guy answered, “Eto, ume-ebs.” Again the second guy spoke: “Pare, tawagan na lang kita uli mamaya. May sumasagot dito sa tabi ko eh.”

19. Wife: How much do you love me?
Hubby: As much as Shah Jahan loved Muntaz Mahal.
Wife: So you would also build a Taj Mahal for me when I die?
Hubby: I already purchased the lot; the delay is on your side.

20. A 23 yr old girl married a man of 75 years. Days after the wedding, her friends
asked her how things went. “Well,” the girl laughed, “Have you ever tried
putting a marshmallow into a piggy bank?”

21. Salesman nanuktok. Mrs: Ngano?
SM: Nang, sorry kayo. Naligsan nako imong iring. Ako unta syang pulihan.
Mrs: Mao ba? Na hala adto sa kusina; panakop didto ug ilaga.

22. Doc: Misis patay na imong bana
Pasyente nagtinga: Bbbbuuuhhhiii pa koooo
Mrs: Hoy, ayaw pagbuot diha. Doctor na gud na ang nagsulti!


23. Mrs: Hon, magkatay tayo ng baboy
Mr: Bakit?
Mrs: Ika 10 wedding anniversary natin, diba?
Mr: Bakit naman baboy ang paparusahan mo sa nangyari sa 10 years?


24. Lolo ug Lola naglalis
Lolo: Inigkamatay nimo, isulat nako sa lapida nimo” Bugnaw sa buhi pa, mas
bugnaw sa patay na.”
Lola: Diay ha? Sa lapida sad nimo, ako isulat: Sa katapusan migahi ra jud.”


25. Anak: Nag-text ako sa asawa ko na pauwi na ako pero na-shock ako ng pagdating
ko sa bahay may katabi syang babaye sa kama…Huhu, bakit ganoon nay, huhuhu
Nanay: Anak, huwag kang magalit. Baka naman hindi niya natanggap ang text mo.

26. Old man very proud: Doc, I’m 90 and my 18 year old wife is pregnant!
Doc: Let me tell you a story about an old hunter who instead of his shotgun
mistakenly brought his umbrella to the jungle, met a huge bear, aimed his
umbrella, and pulled the trigger, and the bear fell dead.

Old man: Impossible! Somebody else must have shot the bear.
Doc: Exactly.



Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to All!